Wednesday, October 15, 2014

[How to] Fight Fair : Tips for fighting fair in marriage.

If I am being completely honest, and I am, marriage is fun basically all of the time. At least it is for me and C. But there are those few times where a fight emerges and there is nothing we can do to stop it. Maybe it is that C has moon walked out of his socks too many times or maybe I dropped my bags in the hallway again. Either way, we sometimes just have one of those days where we fight. It is always the same with us, it starts small, like with the socks, then just grows until one of us is just over it. So today I am sharing a few tips on how we fight fair.



1. Don't bring up the past. As tempting as it is to throw something that happened in your spouses face when you are mad, it shouldn't be done. If you are constantly reminding your spouse of their past mistake, it can make them feel as if you can't forgive. 

2. No name calling. Remember you can't take words you say back. If you are constantly calling your spouse an idiot while fighting, soon they may begin to believe it. After all, you are supposed to be their best friend, the one always on their side. Stay away from name calling. 

3. Don't raise your voice too much. I get that raising your voice, yelling even, happens. I understand completely. However, when you raise your voice, you change the entire tone of the fight. It causes the mood to escalate which can end up causing people to get defensive. This can ultimately cause a simple fight to turn into something that was blown way out of proportion.

4. Don't get defensive. When you get defensive, you put up a barrier between you and your spouse. From time to time we all get defensive, especially if we feel like our character is being attacked. If you put up too many barriers in your marriage, it doesn't end well. Do what you can to keep your cool and stay as calm as possible to stop yourself from putting up a defense barrier. 

5. Take breaks. If you realize you and your spouse are getting no where with your fight, step up and suggest you take a few minutes to cool off, then you can talk again. Usually tension is so high during a fight that a short break may be the only thing it takes to resolve the whole issue. 

6. Don't fight to win. This has been the hardest thing for me to learn, but someone explained it to me that made so much sense. If you win, then your spouse loses, which means you both ultimately lose. Marriage is not a competition, it is a partnership. You don't want to see your partner lose right?

7. Say your are sorry. After fights, feelings are usually still hurt, at least a little. An apology goes a long way. 

8. Never fight tired./Go to be angry, sometimes. Tons of people told us to never go to be angry, but we have learned that when when we fight when we are tired, we do more damage than good. So while you should avoid fighting tired as much as humanly possible, I get that it happens from time to time. So when it does happen, don't be afraid to go to be angry. Like I said above, taking a break from the fight can help, and sleeping on the argument can allow both of you to clear your head. Just be sure to tell your spouse that you love them before you go to sleep. We have a rule in our house. "No matter how mad or tired you are, always say you love me and kiss me goodnight." When C and I go to bed angry, I know that I have at least shown affection to him before bed, and I know that he knows I love him. And it works the other way around as well. 


Do you have any fighting fair tips? 

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