Thursday, June 12, 2014

Why I'm doing this

I wasn't always overweight. In fact, it is something that has really happend over the last 5 years. I've shared my story before, but I feel like I need to again, only in a different way. So here goes.


2005 : I was just starting band. I was tiny in my opinion. I was in a 3/4 or smaller, and I felt like I looked odd. I had a large chest, so I felt top heavy. I wanted to gain a little weight, but in a healthy way.


2006 : I had slowly put on healthy weight. I was only in a size 3/4, but I was gaining muscle. 


2007 : I was in a size 5/6 and I was happy. I felt good in my skin, and I was content. And thankfully I didn't gain any weight at the start of college. 


2008 : I added a few pounds, but I was still happy. The number on the scale didn't bother me because I still felt comfortable. I felt pretty. 


2009 : I started the year dating a guy, and the habits I fell into then were not that great. I gained quite a bit of weight, and went to a size 7/8 and sometimes a 9/10. I wasn't too upset. I still felt comfortable. Looking back, this is what turned everything around for me in a bad way. 


2010 : The habits I learned with the boyfriend before C stuck more than I liked. I was a consistent 9/10 even inching into 11/12. I knew things were off, but I didn't realize how off. I just knew I wasn't comfortable with myself anymore.


2010 : I got married in a dress that had to be taken out so it could fit. I really felt uncomfortable, and I felt bad for C having to look at me. But things didn't change. 


2011 : I was officially wearing 13/14 and I was miserable. I had done some walking that year and dropped a little weight, but I would always fall right back into the same old habits. 


2012 : I officially hit a size 15/16. At the end of the year, I officially hit a dark place, and decided to make a change. It took me long enough right?


2013 : (January-July progress) I started out working out on my own, eventually joined a gym, got a personal trainer, and lost inches. The number on the scale didn't move much, but I had lots of inches being lost, and muscle being gained. I worked out constantly though July at the gym, then I switched to working out at home again in August. In September, there was a massive storm that hit my life, and I didn't feel worth anything. I gave up. I stopped trying. But I never really gained inches back. I had shrunk to a 11/12.


2013 : On our anniversary trip I wore a dress that I wore in my sisters wedding that was a size 12. I wore a bikini for the first time since 2009. Sure I may not have looked like a super model in it, but I felt confident enough to wear it, and no one got sick from seeing me in it, so I enjoyed that moment. When we got back, the holiday season came and food was eaten. I jumped back up to a consistent 13/14. 


2014 : I started the year off with a bang so to speak. I was working out again, and eating better. I was again losing a few inches over all, but then in March, I hurt my back which stopped everything. I was told no working out or I could do more damage. I slowly went back up to a 15/16. So I had to make tough decisions. We ended up going Paleo, which we are still doing on the 80/20%. I eventually was told to see a physical therapist, and was told I could work out a little, but my PT sessions turned into more training sessions, and now I am able to work out again. I have to start out slow, but at least I am going to get back into it! I sit right now at a 15/16 still. 

I know that once I pick everything back up, once I start doing more cardio and weight lifting that the inches will fall off. I knew that food was going to be a constant struggle for me, and that was my downfall. Now I have my eating habits under control, and they are just second nature. Knowing that makes me feel 100 times better. Now instead of trying to get into a habit of working out and getting my eating on track, I only have to get back into working out. Making 1 change at a time is much easier than making 2 or 3. 

I am not doing this for C. I'm not doing it for our future kids. I am not doing this for family or friends. I am not doing this for the people who call me fat. I am doing this for me. I think that is what is making this time different. I am actually focused on me, and not someone else. I am doing this because I deserve this, and I haven't felt that way in a long time. For once, it is all about me, and that is okay. 

Have you struggled with your weight? 
How do you stay motivated? 

3 comments:

  1. Caitlin, I absolutely love this! I found such a blessing from reading your story. It's amazing how we can so quickly go from comfortable in our skin to uncomfortable without recognizing the change taking place. Keep writing from the heart, Sister! You're blessing those that read it with an open heart! <3

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  3. This is such a great post! I can totally relate!! I was always petite growing up. I am 5 feet tall. I can add an inch or two with shoes, but no matter what I am short. Being short was never an issue until about 5 years ago. It was 2009, I was 22 years old, and everything started changing. It was like I woke up one day and was like what happened to my body?!?! Staying motivated is definitely difficult, but trying to live a healthy life for YOU and not anyone else is definitely the best place to start!!! Thanks so much for writing such a great post!!

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