Monday, January 14, 2013

No matter if it is 1 lb or 100 lbs, progress is progress.

So, after thinking about what I saw on the Biggest Loser this past week, I think I have discovered something about myself, and no it isn't the need to be on a TV show. Let me explain.

*This is my story with my struggle with my weight. I am so embarrassed that I have gotten to where I am, and it is hard for me to write this, but I know it is about time.*

Every year, since I was in college, my New Year's Resolution has always been to lose weight, to get to my goal weight and maintain it. And every year I failed horribly. I actually gained weight. When I got engaged. My goal was to be a size 8 by the wedding, and I ended up a size 12. Instead of losing a size, I gained one. And from there it has all been down hill. When I got engaged, I was a size 5/6-7/8. Half way through the engagement I went to a size 7/8-9-10, and by the wedding I was a size 12. By our first anniversary, I was a size 14, and by the beginning of 2012 (just 2 months later) I was a size 16. I swore to myself a long time ago that I would never see 220 lbs on the scale. Some people might ask, "Why not 200 lbs? Why such an odd number?" Well, in my family, we are all larger except my twig thin little sister. And I knew once I put my freshman 15 on that I would probably hit 200 in my lifetime. I knew once I started gaining weight that unless I changed that I would see that number quickly. And I knew I never wanted to hit 225 lbs. I don't know why I picked 220 lbs, maybe because I felt like that 5 lbs between 220 and 225 lbs would be a wake up call for me. Honestly I don't know why I picked 220 lbs, but I did.

When I was in high school, I was in the marching band, color guard to be exact, so I was really active. I was between a 3/4-5/6, and I was really comfortable with myself. I saw girls that were much smaller than me, and for the most part, that didn't bother me. I stayed that size until after I graduated in 2007 in GA. In August 2007, when I started college in TN, I knew the Freshman 15 were coming, so I picked a parking garage that was far enough away from all my classes that I had to walk up a hill. And I got lucky and had classes that were on the top floors of most all the buildings, so I had stairs to climb. I didn't gain a single pound that first semester and I was happy. When I moved from TN back to GA, the college I went to was no where near as big, and had a lot less stairs for me to climb. I still did my best to park as far away as I could from the school, but by the end of that semester I had packed on 15 lbs. I did my best to stay active. I worked 3 jobs at one point, one as a host for a restaurant, one as a waitress, and one as a home health care aid. They were all very active, but I soon realized that I was eating a bunch of junk and at late hours of the night.

When I started dating the guy before C, all we would do is go out to eat and sit on the couch and watch TV. I blame most of my problems on that, not on him, but that time in my life. When I started dating C in June 2009, I was doing the best I could to not eat so much crap and not eat at all hours of the night. When he proposed August 31, 2009 (our love story to come soon. <3), I was okay with my weight. I had packed on a few pounds, but I figured that since C was so active, it would help me shed them. While we were more active that I had been with previous boyfriends, I didn't realize that my metabolism had slowed down so much and losing the weight just wasn't happening. I got really discouraged as the wedding neared. When family stresses started, that is when I think my defining moment came. While C and I struggled with family issues and multiple views on us getting married, I turned to food. I would eat junk food and eat when ever I wanted and how much I wanted. Food was my comfort. I felt like I could control that part of my life when it seemed that I couldn't control anything else in my life.

About 3 months before our wedding, I went to get my dress sized. Instead of being able to take the dress in like I had hoped, they had to take it out. I knew right then and there that I was in trouble. Here I was getting ready to marry the man of my dreams, and I had basically doubled in size since he and I first started dating. C had assured me on several occasions that he loved me just the way I was and always would. Before our wedding, I hit the 200 lb mark, and I cried. I cried, and then once again turned to food. It was a never ending cycle for me. I saw no end in sight. I had given up hope. When we got married on October 23, 2010, It was amazing. I was so happy to be marrying the man God had planned for me. But internally I wasn't happy with myself. I knew how horrible I looked, and that was only confirmed with the wedding pictures.

When C and I moved from GA to TN in February 2011, we moved in with my dad. It was a quick move, and we didn't have much of an option as far as living arrangements. We all three got to the point where we were going to the local high school and walking the track. I was up to about 205 lbs. As we walked most every night of the week, I noticed that it got easier and easier and I walked further and further. I even got to where I was running a few laps. And I dropped 10 lbs. I kicked sodas and even junk food. I felt good about the weight that I was losing and how I was feeling. Then we stopped going. And I added those 10 lbs back on, and once again I got discouraged and I went straight to food for comfort. As the year went on, I was slowly gaining half a pound here, half a pound there. By the beginning of 2012, I was at 212 lbs.

C and I moved out of my dads house at the end of January in 2012. I was 214 lbs then. I had made the New Year's Resolution to once again lose weight, and in a month I had put on 2 lbs. All throughout 2012 my weight stayed between 212 and 216 lbs. I wasn't eating really healthy, but I wasn't eating crap as much either. C and I got to where we were walking and doing some exercising during 2012 but nothing major. Then when we were moving from thee apartments back into my dad's house since he had gotten married and moved out, we ended up working on the house every night to get it ready for the move, and we were eating fast food every night.

By the end of 2012, I was at a steady 216.0-216.8 lbs. I knew that I couldn't take it anymore. I knew I had to change. I weighed January 1, 2013 and came in at 216.0. C and I took our first alone vacation that weekend. We went on a cruise and ate all kinds of food. When we got back I weighed 217.0 my New Year's Resolution was off to a rocky start. I then started up my MyFitnessPal again, and started my weight at 217.0 because that was what I was at. I watched my weight, and I what I was eating. C and I walked one night, and then the rain came. After talking to some friends, C and I made the choice to start the 30 Day Shred.

I am proud to announce that today...2 weeks into my journey, I weigh 213.4 lbs! And I am sore as ever! My goal is to lose between 7-8 lbs a month, but now I want to re look at that. My goal weight is not a number per say, but more of a feel and look. It is about being healthy. 135 lbs would put me right in the middle of the BMI scale for my height, and I would like to be there, but it isn't important that I hit that number.

What I feel about my weight getting rid of journey, is this...

The years that I struggled with losing weight, it is because I wasn't ready to lose it. I struggled with several things from my past over the past few years, and I can honestly say that today I am ready to lose the weight. I am ready to let the chains that have held me back go. I am so ready for this! And I am glad that it took me so long because I had to get to the point where I felt me self worth was greater than what I had been thinking in the past. Now, I am confident that I will get this weight off, and I will do it the healthy way. So if it takes me 2 years to do it, then I will! I will get healthy for me!

I lacked motivation and accountability in years past, and if you are on a get fit journey and need motivation or accountability, I am here! Together we can do this!!!!

Good luck to everyone!!


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